Looking for the real dirt on your favorite costume-clad celebs? You’re in the right place, as the delectable Rosie Knight keeps us on top of the fights, flings and latest DCU gossip in this sensationally savage column.
 

Well, well, well. After a chilly winter in Metropolis that has mostly been filled with alien invasions and a surprising lack of superheroes in sexy costumes, we can finally rejoice. Yes, my DC Dahlings, the supes are celebrating spring too, meaning we're getting a little fun in our fruit salad this month. Thanks to a tiny gossip rag called DC's Spring Breakout, I can report that Harley Quinn broke King Shark out of prison. But no need to be scared ’cos it was just for his birthday!

Aw, isn't that sweet?

And, if you can believe it, our favorite red-caped boy scout even helped her do it and covered for the criminal pair in front of Amanda Waller (who was allegedly on vacation—as if she would even know the first thing about sitting by a pool and sipping a piña colada).

I was also lucky enough to spot the Titans playing volleyball on the beach, which was a total laugh riot. I mean, have you seen someone playing beach volleyball in a cape? (*cough* Dick *cough*) I heard Lex "Barrel of Laughs" Luthor was practicing burying himself alive again. Would someone please get that man a hobby?! And Superman and Jimmy were definitely breaking at least three laws and some etiquette rules too by sneaking into a baseball game. But just as I was about to call in a tip to the Daily Planet, they proved their mettle against that Northern nasty, Manchester Black.

But lest you think it’s all been fun and games lately here in our little universe, our heroes have also faced their fair share of overpowered cosmic threats. Which begs a question—why are they always overpowered? Just once, I’d love to see the Earth invaded by a squadron of, say, cuddly extraterrestrial gerbils who attack by hitting their enemies with adorably tiny pillows. Is that too much to ask? Considering we’ve been invaded by nearly everything else, you’ve got to think the gerbils can’t be too much further down the line.

Sigh.. Anyway, here’s what I’m hearing about our latest non-gerbil attacks.
 

ITEM: Superman is Struggling to Keep His Super-Family Super Safe!

Remember last month when Brainiac sent some Lobo-boys down to Metropolis to steal all the metahumans he could fit on his shiny ship? Well, we're still feeling the fallout from that, which is a real shame ’cos I'd rather be telling you about Crush and Power Girl heating up the city streets with a little sexually-charged pink power fist-fighting. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how the blonde bombshell with the world's most famous boob window managed to solve that little problem as I got word that Superman was busy fighting shirtless Czarnians and I immediately had to go check that sweet action out for myself.

I mean, a girl has to have priorities.

But here’s the real dish, dahlings. While, yes, that does sound like a delightful fanfic that I would read the hell out of two ways from Sunday, it bodes horribly for any of us who’d rather not be controlled by that bald-headed green fool whose name rhymes with Maniac. And that should be all of us because I’m pretty sure Brainiac is NOT a fan of this column.

Speaking of Super-Shenanigans, two members of Superman’s family did manage to make an escape, which would be great news if they didn’t wind up a few inches tall in the process. Yes, that’s right, I’ve gotten word that Kara and Jon have been miniaturized, which is both utterly hilarious and unbelievably frustrating for my source on the ship who was hoping that the two supers would actually save them rather than try to remake Honey I Shrunk the Kids in the midst of a cosmic disaster. But, you know, to each their own!
 

RUMOR: Failsafe is a Failure...

Our other most famous family is also in disarray thanks to Batman's "ingenious" Failsafe project. Who could have ever known that creating a super smart, indestructible robot version of yourself that was designed specifically to defeat you could go wrong? (Maybe every single exhausted resident of Metropolis who lived through the Reign of the Supermen, but still, good job for trying, Bats.)

Luckily my beloved li'l scamps, the righteous and resilient Robins, were there to save the day with Damian Wayne fighting against Failsafe and everyone's favorite soft, sweet boy Tim Drake finding his lost father figure and giving him some bread! Carbs solve everything, am I right?

This is actually great news for me because all the mosquito bites I was getting from standing outside Bruce Wayne's cabin—to make sure I was getting you all the gossip, which I do no matter how remote or cut off from modern comforts like bug spray it may be (and yes, I admit I should've packed some in the first place, but I'm a very busy busybody, okay?)—were killing me! It already takes a long time to look this good, and even Hedare Beauty's best concealer wasn't concealing those. Now that the Bat-Family is back in action, though, I might head back into Gotham and try treating myself to some new bits and bobs from Gotham Plaza. After all, this gossip gal deserves it, right?
 

TEASE: Green Arrow's Getting Hotter…But So is the Fury of His Fam

Let's finish on a slightly saucier note, shall we? Yes, the weather’s heating up outside, but it’s not quiiiite summer yet, as evidenced by Green Arrow’s recent sexy action in the snow. Want to see Ra's al Ghul shirtless and holding a bow and arrow perfectly taut? Then you need to check in with Ollie! Speaking of, Mr. Queen is also looking pretty sexy these days thanks to those high cheekbones and fantastic goatee. But alas, keeping with this month’s unfortunate trend, Ollie’s family have turned their bows towards a new target: him! They’re ready to destroy Green Arrow at any cost thanks to the evil Merlyn and his magic mask.

So, what does that teach all of us, kids? Being hot may get you on the cover of “Star City Style” or past the velvet rope at that National City club that Black Canary’s been playing at, but it doesn't do a darn thing to protect you from the drama of a found family cursed by an ancient evil!

I better get out of here before people accuse me of being obsessed with people's families because I have issues around my own! So once again, this is Rosie Knight signing off and reminding you to spread the word…as long as you tell me first!
 

Rosie Knight is an award-winning journalist and author who loves Swamp Thing, the DC Cosmic and writing the monthly gossip column here at DC.com. You can also listen to her waxing lyrical about comics, movies and more each week as she co-hosts Crooked Media's pop-culture podcast, X-Ray Vision.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Rosie Knight and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.