Looking for the real dirt on your favorite costume-clad celebs? You’re in the right place, as the delectable Rosie Knight keeps us on top of the fights, flings and latest DCU gossip in this sensationally savage column.
 

Darlings! So lovely to see that you've survived the ongoing cosmic shenanigans that have blighted our beloved cities. This month, I'm taking a little time off from reporting on Amanda Waller’s ongoing mission to ruin everything to check in on our favorite Bat-Family. Ever since his parents took a stroll down Crime Alley, Bruce Wayne’s life has been all kinds of messed up. And, from everything I heard at his recent glamorous and goss-filled party at the Iceberg Lounge—yes, of course I was invited, duh!—it's rarely been worse. From bad career choices to maniacal exes, he's struggling. Like, really struggling.

I'm here to report on it all. Just realize that I am, of course, far too generous and kind to get any kind of vicarious thrill from seeing one of the richest and most eligible men in Gotham going through it just like the rest of us. I just have resting smirk face. I promise.
 

RUMOR: Darkseid Gives the Best Gifts

When I showed up to the party—fashionably late, of course—everyone couldn't stop buzzing about the most expensive gift of the evening. Apparently, the emperor of emo himself, the mighty Darkseid, has let Batman take possession of a precious trinket straight from the depths of Apokolips. Yes, thanks to the events of Batman #152, our Caped Crusader now has his very own Mother Box, fashioned by the finest craftsmen of the Fourth World.

Naturally, the very first thing I did upon receiving this news was to hop on eBay and see what a Mother Box goes for on the secondhand market right now. In this day and age, with such fabulous 3D printing capabilities, it's awfully hard to tell the fake Mother Boxes from the genuine articles. But from the handful of real deals I could find, let's just say that if Batman decided to sell this hellish cube to the highest bidder, Bruce Wayne's finances would certainly be back in the black.
 

UNCONFIRMED: Damian Wayne to Ruin His Entire Life by Becoming...a Comic Book Artist?

As every attendee already knows, the Wayne family couldn't stop gloating about their recent trip to Dinosaur Island. It was "T. Rex this" and "Dinosaur Venom that" in any conversation involving young Master Damian. But my keen ear noticed a quirky quotable when Bruce mentioned that his teen son had developed an aptitude for illustration. Apparently, fighting prehistoric creatures gave the young vigilante some perspective on his possible career paths and now his heart is set on tanking the rest of his young life by pursuing a profession full of creative reward and financial ruin.

I am, of course, talking about creating comic books, which apparently may be a viable future path for the sassy Son of the Demon (their nickname, not mine). When this topic piqued my curiosity, Damian ran off to fetch his latest work, a series of Bat-Family portraits he recently sketched. I must say that the piece, featured in Batman and Robin #13, was quite stunning. But not nearly as stunning as the scene when Damian announced he was planning his first crowdfunded comic book and we all needed to subscribe to the pre-launch immediately or face his wrath, which elicited the loudest collective groan I've ever experienced in my entire life.
 

GOSSIP: Talia al Ghul Is Up to No Good (Again)

Look, sure she's a super hot and saucy assassin as well as the mother of the aforementioned sassy Robin, but we can all agree that Talia al Ghul arriving in Gotham is usually bad news. Well, as usual she's up to some serious shenanigans, seen in the pages of Detective Comics #1088, that bodes badly for both Batman, Talia’s demonic not-so-dearly-departed dad, and really anyone who doesn't want evil people being resurrected from the grave willy-nilly.

Bruce was, of course, likely hoping that she'd shown up to rekindle their one-time romance now that he and Selina Kyle no longer seem like they’re exclusive, but alas Talia crashed the party because she's in Gotham to set up her new suped-up Lazarus Pit. Yes, like father, like daughter—Talia just can't stop bringing bad boys back to life. Sadly for Bats, that means the return of the recently deceased nepo-baby Arzen Orgham, which can only spell trouble (and, quite fittingly, since I always have trouble spelling his name *wink wink nudge nudge*). There is an upside to all this, however. With the Lazarus Resin now successful, death is no longer a detail us DC Denizens have to stress about. Perhaps that's how Bruce Wayne has made it to 85 looking so spritely? Has his baby mama been spilling the family necromancy secrets to her on-again, off-again boy toy?

Anyway, I've got to return some silverware—anyone need a delightful Christofle strawberry slicer?— that accidentally found its way into my purse during the afterparty! (By the way, does anyone know how to get stuff to Bruce Wayne these days? Where's a butler when you need him!) So for now, this is Rosie Knight signing off, reminding you to spread the word...as long as you tell me first!
 

Rosie Knight is an award-winning journalist and author who loves Swamp Thing, the DC Cosmic and writing the monthly gossip column here at DC.com. You can also listen to her waxing lyrical about comics, movies and more each week as she co-hosts Crooked Media's pop-culture podcast, X-Ray Vision.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Rosie Knight and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.