My, my, my, just four months into 2024 and we've already got our first big crossover event/alien invasion disaster! Yes, dear readers, though I shouldn't make light of what will surely add up to hundreds of deaths and the kidnapping of many of our favorite heroes, one must find ways to cope in a city where you're more likely to be crushed by Lobo's second cousin than live to the ripe old age of 90. As you may have guessed by now, my favorite coping mechanism is humor, and boy do we here in Metropolis need a laugh this month after Brainiac attacked and stole Superman's family.
 

REPORT: BRAINIAC IS SNATCHING UP SUPERS

Yes, if you don't live in our bustling...ahem, Metropolis, you may have missed the fact that right as Lois, Clark and Jimmy Olsen were about to do some relaxing yoga in the park—I told you, sweeties, I have eyes everywhere—a wave of Czarnians filled the sky with one mission: to capture anyone in eyesight with superpowers. Luckily, Supes didn't have to deal with it alone and enlisted his onetime worst enemy turned reluctant frenemy, Lex Luthor, who used a very impressive new set of armor (was it me, or was it giving off some big Green Lantern vibes?) to help fight off the alien bad boys. Alas, it wasn't enough and soon Connor Kent, the Super Twins, Kong Kenan, Supergirl, Livewire, Metallo, Steel and more had been taken by Brainiac!

Surely you're pondering, "Didn't Lobo kill all the Czarnians just to prove his might?" That's what this writer thought, but I guess that big buff boy was telling tales out of school to make himself look good. (Really, if he wanted to do that, all he needed to do was take off his shirt. I mean, have you seen those abs?) Interestingly, his daughter Crush was nowhere to be seen, so it'll be intriguing to see if our fave queer Czarnian eventually shows her precious snarling face.

As for that bad boy Brainiac, I have to wonder what exactly he wants. According to his own ominous words, he wants to understand what "he's missing" through all the metahumans he's borrowed from Metropolis. Could he be trying to unlock the secret of superpowers?

Look, we'd all like to know that, but Brainy, don’t you think you’re going a bit too far here? Climate change has already made our weather unpredictable enough without having to worry about angry Czarnians raining down on us, especially since some of us may have just spent a small fortune on an utterly spectacular blowout. Not that you’d know anything about that, you hairless heathen!

Sigh… Maybe I have things wrong here. Maybe Brainiac’s just trying to understand the power of love? Of what makes a hero a hero? A villain a villain? Either way, the Twelfth-Level terror says he's going to share it with the world when he finds it. Sure, guy. I think we'd rather just have our superheroes back and a single day without a massive alien invasion but whatever.
 

RUMOR: NEW KRYPTON GOES KAPUT!

If you're thinking, "Well, that's Metropolis over, then. Maybe I’ll move to New Krypton instead..." then I have bad news for you and that inexplicable plan as my little birdies—they’re intergalactic, didn’t you know?—have reported some real problems over on that formerly lovely scientific hub.

How bad of problems are we talking? Well, the entire settlement has apparently disappeared out of existence after the death of Ursa and the fury of Zod, so I’d say pretty bad. Let’s hope you hadn’t gone ahead and put a down payment on any of those cute little condos they had listed for sale, or that if you did, your homeowners insurance covers acts of God and Kryptonian despots.
 

SCOOP: THE SINISTER SONS HAVE A WHALE OF A PROBLEM

Honestly, it's been a rough few weeks for us DC denizens living in the realm of the Super-Family, but luckily, there is a little bit of joy in the DC Universe this week and that's thanks to those naughty little guys known as the Sinister Sons.

I deeply relate to both Lor-Zod and Sinson as I too have a useless dad who makes me want to become a criminal in deep space. I love these angry rude little boys with my life, which is why I almost had to take a break from my gossiping this week to head into the guts of a whale to save them. Yes, I realize how horrible the smell has got to be in a place like that and that it would almost certainly spell the end for whatever shoes I was wearing, but it turns out it doesn’t matter! Those sinister scamps instead got help from a mysterious and hunky humanoid named Major Tom who also happened to be chained to the space whale's jawbone.

What good luck for them and for me, as I was also watching a really great episode of Gotham's Most Gruesome Crimes when I heard about their plight and would have had to miss the ending. (It was the Penguin by the way—he was the one behind the notorious ice-themed escapades.) Thankfully, Lor-Zod and Sinson were making enough noise that yes, Major Tom could hear them, meaning they now have some adult supervision at least, which is good as they'll soon be facing off against space pirates. Whether they’ll do it while sitting in a tin can far above the world, however, remains to be seen.

Anyway, this is Rosie Knight signing off before Brainiac realizes that I have the power of sniffing out the city’s juiciest gossip and sucks me up into his big ship! Remember readers, spread the word, as long as you tell me first!
 

Rosie Knight is an award-winning journalist and author who loves Swamp Thing, the DC Cosmic and writing the monthly gossip column here at DC.com. You can also listen to her waxing lyrical about comics, movies and more each week as she co-hosts Crooked Media's pop-culture podcast, X-Ray Vision.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this feature are solely those of Rosie Knight and do not necessarily reflect those of DC or Warner Bros. Discovery, nor should they be read as confirmation or denial of future DC plans.